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ROD LIDDLE

29 things I'd do if I (in some terrible vision of hell) was PM from reducing immigration to ending BBC licence fee

STUFFED to the gills? Hardly move? So sick of chocolate you never want to eat another one in your life?

And dates. Actually, does anyone still eat dates? Lined up in their narrow little box like cockroaches waiting for the resurrection.

If I was Prime Minister, here's the 29 things I'd do
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If I was Prime Minister, here's the 29 things I'd do

Awful bloody things. Yet I still buy a box every Christmas and never eat them.

And then tonight. Turkey curry? Turkey salad or turkey sandwiches? Turkey in the basket with sautéed turkey strips in a turkey sauce?

Why do we do it? Spunk our entire earnings on a day of epic indulgence. I bet the kids are back playing with stuff they DIDN'T get for Christmas by now.

And as for the dog... Well we didn't want her to feel left out. So we bought her a special Gourmet Dog Christmas Dinner made of.. Yes, turkey. And goose.

And our reward for this kindness is to have her lying at our feet all day farting like a wizard.

The clouds of gas are so toxic there are flies and spiders dropping dead within ten feet of the animal.

Still, it's what Jesus would have wanted, I suppose.

I hope you had a great day and are taking it easy right now. And to those of you working, respect.

FEW THINGS MISSING

I quite like working over Christmas Day and Boxing Day. It makes me feel virtuous, which is a rare occurrence.

Anyway, there is good reason for cheer this Yuletide. The thick-as-mince rapper Stormzy may have said: "F *** Boris."

But, rather wonderfully, the British people turned out in huge numbers to say, “F *** Stormzy” and: “F *** Magic Grandpa.”

It now looks like Brexit will get done and we have a government which MUST respect the wishes of all those new working-class people who voted for it.

Boris is doing very well so far. It was a decent Queen's Speech . And I like the idea his adviser Dominic Cummings has of building new nuclear power plants in the North of England.

Lots of well-paid jobs and clean energy. I love nukes, me.

Boris Johnson is doing very well so far as Prime Minister and put together a decent Queen's Speech
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Credit: AFP Boris Johnson is doing very well so far as Prime Minister and put together a decent Queen's Speech Credit: AFP

But there were a few things missing from Boris's first programme for government — so I thought I'd help him out.

What follows is a list of the stuff I'd like the Government to do.

Some of them, as you will see, are very specific to me and might not find accord nationally.

It's a wish list for what I'd do if, in some terrible vision of hell, I was ever elected Prime Minister ...

1) Reduce immigration. I mean really reduce it. To something like nine people per year. I get to choose who the nine are. Most of them will be from Hong Kong. Don't underestimate the strength of feeling against unlimited immigration, BoJo .

2) And if you reduce immigration you won't need to pave over half of our remaining countryside to build new houses. Our urgent need for housing is a consequence of a population expanding because of immigration.

3) Stop sending children to the controversial Tavistock Clinic in London for gender realignment treatment. If people wish to transition, let them wait until they are 21 (and then pay for it).

4) In fact, let's get rid of all the identity politics stuff. It's divisive and fatuous. We're all in this together and it doesn't matter if we're gay or straight, white or black, Muslim or Christian, Jew or Hindu. Treat everybody equally. And end the hierarchy of whingeing victimhoods.

5) Ban all factory farming. Immediately.

6) Outlaw cats.

7) Scrap the high-speed HS2 line and spend the money on faster links between the North West of England and the North East. Or spend it all on a Teesside Metro Service to replace the crap antiquated trains we have now. Remember how Teesside voted in the election, Boris?

By scrapping HS2, we could replace the crap trains we have now
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Credit: PA:Press Association By scrapping HS2, we could replace the crap trains we have now Credit: PA: Press Association

8) Close the polytechnics in which kids who are not very academic pay more than £ 30,000 to get a worthless degree in gender studies or something. Reduce the number of people going to university by 75 per cent. Introduce apprenticeships and technical colleges. And scrap tuition fees.

9) Insist that university staff must represent a diversity of opinion. All universities which “no platform” speakers to be punished financially.

10) End the BBC licence fee .

11) Insist that cyclists always use cycle lanes where they have been provided. Reduce the number of buses in London by 50 per cent in off-peak times.

12) Make it illegal for lorries to overtake on two-lane dual carriageways and motorways.

13) Make smoking legal in pubs that I go to. And other pubs, if you like.

14) Recognise Jerusalem as being the capital of Israel and move our embassy there. Outlaw the Boycott, Divestment and Sanctions movement for its horrible anti-Semitism.

15) Stop meddling in Middle Eastern politics. Stop invading Muslim countries, or bombing them. Accept that they may not want to live in democracies, or believe what the rest of us believe.

Make it legal to scratch or deface cars which have a 'baby on board' sign in their windows
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Credit: Getty - Contributor Make it legal to scratch or deface cars which have a 'baby on board' sign in their windows Credit: Getty-Contributor
If I was PM, I'd put Extinction Rebellion protesters in a small cage with some hungry wolverines.
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Credit: EPA If I was PM, I'd put Extinction Rebellion protesters in a small cage with some hungry wolverines. Credit: EPA

16) Keep a bit of a closer eye on the Chinese state. Increase our military strength to three per cent of GDP.

17) Force Heinz to reintroduce Toast Toppers and Cadbury to reintroduce the Aztec bar.

18) Divert more money from the Premier League to grass-roots football development and also to clubs below the top division. Especially Millwall, natch.

19) Drop the notion that people who allege that they have been raped MUST be believed. Allow the police to use common sense and discretion.

20) Scrap all elected Police Commissioners and end the politicisation of our police force. Encourage the Old Bill to investigate crimes that genuinely hurt people — like burglaries, assaults and robberies — rather than supposed “hate crimes”.

21) End the badger cull. Now.

22) Make it legal to scratch or deface cars which have a “baby on board” sign in their windows.

23) Recognise that while our country must afford tolerance to all believers in all religions, the United Kingdom is by tradition a Christian country and that Christian values should be especially respected.

24) Arrest elderly people who take too long at cashpoints. Maybe take their cards off them. (I waited for HOURS outside Sainsbury's on Christmas Eve.)

25) Make the former Speaker John Bercow do I'm A Celebrity... Get Me Out Of Here! Along with some real low-rent nano-slebs, such as that Lauren Goodger woman and maybe Joey Essex.

26) End all diversity training, everywhere.

27) Ban restaurants from serving sourdough bread, or at least insist they provide an alternative to people who can't stand the stuff.

28) Invest a few quid in the north of England. Transfer some of the wealth from London to the magnificent towns and cities which once led our industrial revolution. Especially Middlesbrough.

29) Put Extinction Rebellion protesters in a small cage with some hungry wolverines.

That should do for now. Sort that stuff out by the end of February and maybe I'll begin to trust the Tories ...

Boris Johnson delivers his first Christmas message as PM praising all public services working over the festive period